Today, I am happily married and we have a little boy. I had depression between 2009 and 2010. It lasted 6 months when I was a student in the university of my dreams and it had been confirmed with a psychologist.
RETURN TO THE PAST: Morning... get up... the first thought that goes through my head: ...tonight...tonight, I can’t wait to go back to bed tonight. It had been several days since this same thought returned in the morning. Work gives me some relief recently. The routine of working moves the day faster. My relationship with others is fine. I enjoy laughing and clowning around. I am rather worried about what others think of me, too. I had worried about what others think of me from a very young age, I think. But right now, it's getting worse.
Being alone is quite practical. I am used to moping about myself, and as no one is around to pull me out of this state it becomes routine. I blame women. A few weeks ago, I broke several years of romantic relationship. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The relationship had become toxic, for her and for me. Surely the fault is on immaturity. We had gone through a few moments that I could only describe as gloomy. The breakup was difficult but the relief experienced immediately afterwards reinforced my decision. I was admitted in the school of my dreams … my craziest dreams. I lived in a shared flat with my little brother, who was going to the same university. Seriously, it was bomb!
So why then, was I so sad when I got home?
I am now sad all the time. Except that nobody sees it. I have a mask all the time. I am ashamed… but no one should know....
I am caught in a vicious circle. Porn. I “shoot” endorphins two to three times a day. I find there is a satisfaction in short durations. I am so sad that I could die. My thoughts betray my condition. I know it. My brother found someone. She’s the right one. I envy them and I hate them. Why should they have the right to be happy? The sight of a couple in the street literally attacks me. I am alone. And that until the end of my days. My gloomy thoughts become so strong that my head feels compressed. There is more than that. I can not get away. But I do not accept this idea. There is more. It will be fine. For 1 hour in the evening, I used to hang on to one hope. That of being listened to. I beg with all my strength that this all stops. I suffered enough. I'm praying to find someone else who could love me. And who would never betray me. That’s it. I had been betrayed. DId I tell you about that murky history? And the more I prayed the more I became aware of my state. I can not get through this alone.
A new morning. My first thought, quickly go back to bed. Mashed, I can not get rid of these thoughts anymore. We'll have to hold on for today, hold on for one more day. Once outside the door of my apartment, it will be alright. School, friends... the day passes quickly. Am I going to find anyone? I’m not very handsome. Maybe I’m difficult. The pressure at school is palpable. I go to bed late. I get up early. When I get home, I work a little, and before going to bed, I watch porn, it’s time to shoot some endorphins. It is a practical feat. I've been addicted to this routine for 7 years. I can not control this part of my life. I trying to stop, telling myself that it's not good for me. The consumption of tissues will betray me. Quickly go to sleep and forget about everything the time it takes to sleep … 6-7 hours of sleep.
I sleep well. But in the morning a strange ritual takes place. It's been a few months since each time I jump out of bed. Everything is fine for a few seconds, then somethings falls on me almost physically, this enormous weight of the day before. I can not do much, and in 1 second the sadness and fear invades me again. I can not wait for tonight. Oh yes, I'm crying in my bed too. In my mind, I’m begging someone to help me. I have incredibly bad things in me. Why? What is this constant pain in my thoughts? It feels like a giant is sitting on my head.
I am now sad all the time. Except that nobody sees it. I have a mask all the time. I am ashamed… but no one should know. I try to look like someone else maybe if I try hard enough .... Great, tonight is here.
I am caught in a vicious circle. Porn. I “shoot” endorphins two to three times a day. I find there is a satisfaction in short durations. I am so sad that I could die. My thoughts betray my condition. I know it. My brother found someone. She’s the right one. I envy them and I hate them. Why should they have the right to be happy? The sight of a couple in the street literally attacks me. I am alone. And that until the end of my days. My gloomy thoughts become so strong that my head feels compressed. There is more than that. I can not get away. But I do not accept this idea. There is more. It will be fine. For 1 hour in the evening, I used to hang on to one hope. That of being listened to. I beg with all my strength that this all stops. I suffered enough. I'm praying to find someone else who could love me. And who would never betray me. That’s it. I had been betrayed. DId I tell you about that murky history? And the more I prayed the more I became aware of my state. I can not get through this alone.
This invisible person, she can only be good because she listens to me. A hand holds me while I am oppressed from all sides, so that I can finally take a breath, and contemplate my real state. And this state is not nice to see. But persuaded by this goodness, I clung to this thought. "Come on, there has to be more". Stop thinking. Break my habits. There takes place in me a fight that I do not discern yet. There is a terrible giant who ravages the space of my thoughts. He imposes himself and sits on the whole of my being. And he must fall. But for now, I’m dying in myself, and I do not want to think anymore. I'm running away from him. I don’t want to think about him anymore. I will saturate my mind with something else. I pump. In my room, as soon as I get home from school. I pump. I focus on pain, throwing all my strength into despair. I'm falling apart. Darn it!
I get a jogging on and I go out running. 20 minutes. I can run 20 minutes... me? This is new. OK, I will do that. Everyday. Pump in the morning, pump at night, run.
80 pumps in the morning. 80 pumps in the evening. When my old enemy, the giant sits on my head every morning, I pump and oblige myself to work every time, even more. 2 hours. I run for two hours in Paris every night. Sometimes less, sometimes more. When I run, I am free to choose my route. It changes every day. The sensation is exhilarating. At one point, my legs burn so much that I cannot feel my weight, and running becomes easy. I do not think about anything anymore. When I stop, I talk to my invisible friend. He makes fun of me. He listened to me and understood me without judging me, even when I told him my deepest fears.
He was never afraid of this other giant in me who oppressed my thoughts. I could not defeat him, but I was sure he will fall, yes. I discovered with him, buried stuff that I had forgotten about. I forgave people in my past. I understood my suffering, its origin, my failings. Oh yes, and the porn. Overnight, I discovered it was no longer needed. And 2 months later, I did not need my endorphin shoot anymore. My routine was literally transformed. But at that moment I did not see him. I was always maliciously depressed. But that would be over soon. It lasted 6 or 7 months.
I had lost 25 kilos, but they had been in excess ... I had well drawn shoulders, my belly did not fall over my belt anymore. The guy in the mirror, that I had I watched every day doing exercises, had mutated. It was not bad. Still single. Always this giant in me. But while I did not realize it, a second giant appeared. He grew in me, progressively. And one morning, this new giant hit the other. Well, that's what I think. As I was jumping out of bed, and getting ready to take a blow again, the giant never came. Imagine my surprise, in my room ... I see myself waiting, several minutes ... and I tell myself: "I am cured". I said thank you to my giant friend.
In the weeks that followed, my very character changed. I was at peace. I felt completely renewed. I was calmer, more able to listen, and I was no longer sad. I also understood better the personal mechanics of my thought ... I began to better control them, orient them, reject some of them. And I met my future wife too. The one I was waiting for and had imagined. But that's an amazing story that my invisible friend always takes part in. The giants in us grow easily. It's up to us to feed the good one.
